Sunday, July 14, 2013

Hold on

Today i wanted to open up my heart in answering a question i received a few times over the course of my pregnancy and even now. A question concerning an update on my CTS, carpal tunnel syndrome and how/if it effected my pregnancy. So here it goes, first off if you want to catch up on my silly version of CTS please refer to my blog post here , yep, going old skool ;P  i still can't believe the silly things i do to entertain you all hahaaa! (enjoy) 

So back in the day i didn't work from home. i had a corner office with lots of windows, tall ceiling, beautiful space and I was the sole graphic designer & worked a 9-5 for a small company.  Everything seemed fine, until the company hired a new supervisor with some experience in design. I welcomed the change, he seemed nice enough. Not a month into him working there he started attacking me and my character. He threatened to fire me on completely false allegations. He promised to work collaboratively and took on my projects without me. I would find out later once they were printed. His method of design consisted of googling an image and copying it. And any original work i designed he would take credit for. He had heard I had just purchased Mona ( my camera for personal scrapbook projects etc). and he then decided to give me new jobs like become the photographer for the business along with my graphic design work. No extra pay. No over time. And somehow he thought my ONE web design class back in college (5 years before) was more than enough for me to also be the webmaster for the company site. Again, no extra pay, no overtime. Nothing. Photographer + webmaster + my regular graphic design work. great. 

I started feeling the stress. His negative behavior was getting to me. Mind you,  I've been working since I was 17. I've worked with lots of difficult people before. there's always one in every office. I consider myself a hard worker. I love working. but this was crazy. My CTS symptoms started. This is exactly when i knew that the crap i was dealing with at work was hurting me.  I started going to physical therapy and my therapist said that my case was stress related. Get rid of the stress and you're cured he said. Yeah you think ? easier said than done hehee.  

I remember the first day i met my jerk supervisor he himself mentioned he had a problem with his ego. he laughed. go figure. he wasn't joking. i should've quit then and there. sadly, there were others our company did business with that also didn't like how he did business. It reflected so badly on our company. it was embarrassing. People started complaining and word got back to him. He wrongly assumed it was me who made these folks unhappy. I will note this: if i have something to say about you. i will say it to your face. i have no problem with that.  I had several meetings where i did tell him the following: you are wrong. you are being mean. stop tearing me down. i work for you. with you. i'm here to help. i am a great designer, stop taking credit for it. stop assuming and ask people directly if they have a problem with you. Above all, both my doctor and my therapist are telling me to step back from my computer. Can you help me out? (And yes i was wearing both my braces at this meeting. ) You know what he said? I was catty. I was selfish. I was not a team player. With a sick smile on his face he "downsized me". how stupid of me to not see that the door was closing. that i was not meant to continue through it. my path was changing. 

I still hate that i stayed long enough for this to happen. i hate that i didn't listen to Mr.Handsome when he said to quit. i wish i had not tried so hard to change. to let this company treat me this way. my hands. my heart. my mind. my soul. ached.  i think it hurt more because i worked for a church. i expected a higher level of moral integrity. i can't believe that even though the truth was on my side that it still felt like i lost. like God had allowed this stupid man and his insecurities to do this to me? That everyone else was so worried about their jobs, nobody stood by me. or for me. little did i know my biggest loss & hurt, was also my biggest blessing.

i got fired right before i was to marry & buy a new home with the man of my dreams. perfect timing. this is when miracles happen people. i am proof of that. fast forward to now, picture above, in celebratory fashion i got dolled up to celebrate mother's day a few months back. i'm a mama now. my proudest most amazing accomplishment ever. i'm a happier mama. (No CTS. No tendinitis during my pregnancy) I'm a better version of that girl who was over worked in a dead end job working for a jerk boss. i've been so blessed. i'm the boss now. with Mr.handsome's help & lots of prayer we are proud small business owners, we live in a cute little home we do not deserve( we always thought we'd rent). as hard as it is sometimes i count it my biggest blessing to raise our amazing little r at home while i work. Once i disconnected all ties to this old company i started to see that my CTS + tendinitis was gone. I had more good days :) These hands, this heart, this soul was reassured in a glorious way that God never let me go. even if i did. even if i lost hope. My blessings started to shine through. that in my loss, i gained more than i could ever imagine. 

i  now get to share my blessing with you :) I am happy to share these photos of our small studio with cute reminders that you are lovely. you are so very lovely. A few months ago we experienced a loss with my dear friend as her mother passed away. I sat in silence at her service listening to what was being said about her  and there was a common theme. she loved. i knew it from personal experience. she truly loved you. i sat with my little guy tears pouring down and wept. death is harsh but it was so very beautiful in that moment when her loved ones were standing & sharing boldly with abandon as a testament to her love. life isn't about what job you have. how much money you make. who you know. that's pretty obvious. life is about who you love. my love has grown so much counting my blessings. I'm grateful God has bigger plans for my family. i smile and can laugh now about the time i had a jerk boss. even him i can say that i love him, from waaaaaaaaaay far. away. far, far far away. lol!!! i'm being honest! hahaaa! even though i know he will never ask for my forgiveness. i forgive him.  i want the good to rise up in me too. i want to raise up little R to be a great man with great character & a heart full of love. I know i have to forgive and love and move on. it's hard. but i'm holding onto hope. Holding onto the truth that has happened to me. that I'm lovely. that i am called to think on things that are lovely and not dwell in the negative. I've experienced the hurt it has caused me physically. At one point in time the pain got so bad that i had to get 2 shots in my back right underneath my shoulder blades of pain medicine. i don't want to go back to that. or braces & pills.

I don't live a life without stress, the mister still gives me arm massages and someday i will totally get a massage envy membership once i get over being ticklish :) i keep reminders like the die cut print above to help remind me to keep focused. to not dwell on the little things that can  rob me of joy.

write down the good in your life. hold onto that. in your heart. pray it out. love through it. Keep your head up and remember, you are so very lovely. don't let anyone tell you otherwise xoxo

love ya,


Anonymous said...

Hi... Love you too ;)

Anonymous said...

Hi... Love you too ;)

Heather Smith said...

Thank you for sharing. I'm glad things have changed for the better for you. I recently left a job where things had become ugly under new management as well. Thankfully, I am blessed with a supportive husband. I am in transition time but your story gives me hope that it will end well. :-)

jamie said...

i do not have words to adequately respond to this heart post. it is beautiful. you touched on so many meaningful points.
thank you.
(i have so cal home ownership envy...big time! (wink)...really missing that place right now)

Hi I'm Debee :) said...

Oh Heather, i do know how you feel and i am sending you a big hug xoxo. It does end well, always, your blessings are on their way :) Hold on lovely, xoxo -d

Hi I'm Debee :) said...

hi Jamie :) you are more than welcome to visit our little humble home. You are so lovely, miss you sweet friend. And thank you for your kind words lovely xoxo

Nadia van der Mescht said...

Thanks for sharing this post. x

Jossie Michel said...

Wow thanks for sharing! I follow you on instagram I only knew of your shop and now happy to follow your blog. I too have CTS and had surgery in both hands. My job was really supportive and I can not imagine what you have went through at your job. I'm glad that you have been blessed. Your new follower- Jossie

Hi I'm Debee :) said...

hi Nadia, you are very welcome lovely :) xo

Hi I'm Debee :) said...

Hi Jossie! it was a long time coming in sharing this but thankfully i am so very glad i did. I hope you are all recovered from your surgery and you are now well. I almost decided to go through with the surgery too. So happy that your experience was unlike mine at work. It's so hard to work so many hours in a place that is not supportive. Sounds like your place of work was such a huge blessing :) Thank you lovely for stopping by and taking the time to say hi, so nice to meet you ;) I hope you enjoyed a lovely weekend!

indiana said...

Beautiful post ! I've been through a lot this year physically and at work and reading this post did me good. I try to read positive thoughts everyday to give me courage and will to move on head high. I know the path is still long but I try to hang in there because sooner or later I know that with time and maturity things will unfold naturally.
It was nice reading you.



Abby said...

I, too, am working for a church. I, too, am dealing with these kinds of issues. I, too, am staying far longer than I should. Thank you for giving me a moment of hope that it can be better.

Ashley Brown said...

That was beautiful...thank you!

Hi I'm Debee :) said...

Thank you Nedjma! Yes, keep your heart directed at the good girl. Its more than enough to move you forward and hopefully onto more good things :) Good for you, you sound like you have such a good perspective, i hope you keep good people around you to encourage you and lift you up on harder days. You'll come through it ! xoxo big hugs girl xoxo

Hi I'm Debee :) said...

Dear Abby, if you decide to step away, know that you are not failing God, your faith your family your heart. I dealt with so many of my boss' insecurities i too soon began to doubt the talent i had. i started living in fear i couldn't move forward. i can't believe i let his words weigh so heavily on me. Mr. Handsome was SO good at reminding me that what my jerk boss thought didn't matter. it never will. I dealt with so much insecurity after i left and it has taken me so long to finally believe in God's promises for me, You are Lovely. God is on your side lovely. it's going to be okay, step into faith, face your fear and move forward. whatever that means for you. xoxo lifting you up xoxo

Hi I'm Debee :) said...

thank you sweet Ashley! Happy Wednesday lovely!

GiGi said...

Thank you so much for sharing from your heart. It's important to share our stories with each other and encourage one another through difficult times. So thankful that you have come full circle and believe in God's promises for you again. People can be so hurtful and we can begin to believe their lies. But, the truth is that God never ever leaves us and He has given us so much and to Him we are precious and worthy. He is forever faithful. Such a wonderful thing to hold on to. Love your uplifting spirit and encouraging heart.

Hugs. gigi

Sandra said...

You are lively indeed. You always encourage and unspoe me. Thank you.

Elisa Hernandez said...

May I say, 22 years ago my husband pleaded for me to quit my job and be a full time momma. 5 kids later it was the best decision I ever made. Thanks for your honesty. Sadly, there are so many women out there working for jerks, and not fully enjoying their blessing. Missing out on so much love ready to be given to them from their little miracles. You are beautiful by the way.

Many blessing to you and your company.

Christine said...

This is fantastic!