Commence to start!

i love this line. It's one of my favorites in Father of the Bride. My little sister and I love being dorky and repeating lame lines from movies. We love being a tad bit dramatic :) But anyway....

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Yes. My countdown is commencing today. August 15th, 2008 you will soon become September 15th 2008. :: 31 DAYS :: Why is September 15th so important? Well, it's my birthday. i LOVE birthdays. EXCEPT I'm having a bit of trouble swallowing this one. It's NOT the age. I don't even look my age so i don't much care for that. It's the goals and the lack of accomplishments that I am so down about. I guess I thought I'd be something more. Something else. Something a bit different and someone a bit more grounded. Less fearful instead of more. More daring and lived rather than settling and cornered. I thought I'd say yes to something forever and instead I'm fighting to be grown. I'm hesitating the celebration because I am a futurist. It's all about the long term for me. Yes, someday I want kids, I want to be married but this is not even about that.

i love photography. I love film. (although I was never good at it, and excelled only as director of photography)I love computer art. I love being a graphic Artist. But I regret looking back and wondering where and why i stopped drawing.Stopped painting. stopped looking. stopped wondering. stopped searching. stopped working at being an artist....not just working as an artist.

I fought so hard to be an artist growing up. I was the only one in my family that loved to draw. But academics were always number 1. I took ONE class in 7th grade. Loved it. I took ONE semester in High School. LOVED it. i was not the best or any ones favorite. Kinda nice. no pressure. I never grew up thinking i was going to college much less becoming a graphic artist. WOW. Times have changed. Things i never planned to do I am doing now. Which is good right? "Scrapbooking" and photography is awesome. cool cool. but it's not enough.

I went to university. I went to a very competitive academic university and am very proud of this. I am a nerd. dangit i know stuff. (Except I don't check my grammar here :) I took classes on art but really only produced papers about art the entire time. I loved the few studio classes I did take and appreciate the experience it gave me. Except the mentality was...you come knowing how to be you already. There is no class on style. No basic intro to you. It was all based around you and your thoughts on war, politics, culture etc. and visually interpreting that to a public. But the moments I remember most were not the A's I got, making the Provost's honors list 5 times or even the people i met. it was the way i worked at being an artist. Since class lacked some of the knowledge I needed i referenced books in the library on artists. I wanted to know what inspired Picasso and Chagall , Mondrian and Seurat. What made them UNIQUE. They inspired me more than ever. I LOVE making stuff. But more than not, i was inspired by them to BE unique.

I painted

I drew

I inked

way before this thing called scrapbooking

and so now I'm scared. because in the past 6 years since being out of college I have not draw. I have not painted. and I have not inked. i blame me. i blame not making time. i blame not listening to me. not allowing myself the pleasure of the paint and ink and pencils while excusing it as a way to save a buck at the art store. I question if I will be able to paint again or draw or ink. That might seem stupid for some but honestly. It all takes practice. And i lost years of it. and i hope i haven't lost if forever.

but i will see and i will learn again. So scrapbooking, you need to take a backseat for a bit while i find me again. While i create from a talent that needs tendering and attention. because long before you happened you were inspired by real art. real artists and amazing people whom you respect and would and could not ever imagine replicating "scraplifting" or jacking. Because dangit. they are artist. and in the art world remember there is a thing called respect. and they SO deserve it. YOU deserve it. So be true. I need to focus and find what makes me uniquely me again. I remember a beautiful professor Faith Ringgold once told me after I hated the way my style NEVER looked like what i wanted... she said "well that's because you are uniquely you debee. you are just fighting it. embrace that part, the strokes and the way you lay paint out. those are your finger prints left for others to admire and appreciate YOU. YOU cannot be replicated. There will and has not ever been another Picasso. Another Chagall, another Gustav Klimt or even Michelangelo because they stayed true to themselves. Therefore there will never be another you. Because you are a real artist like them. Remember your hands and your heart cannot be at fault for creating in your style, you are purposed for this. you are uniquely talented, marked, divinely inspired and given the privilege of creating. So do it. Now you might see things and ideas you like, but ask yourself...is that me? and if not don't do it. but you know that. you know not to compare yourself. keep trying to find you. your voice. with your style. no more looking around or fighting the way you create. Embrace you. I love that about you. You can fly! i believe you can."

sigh...
she is amazing. at the time i didn't realize that she was blessing me. calling a beautiful purpose and hope over me. and i am thankful. I want that same resounding hope and love for many more birthdays to come. So back to the drawing board. back to the beat of the gypsy kings blaring through the ipod. back to the sketchbooks full of paint and colorful fingerprints. back to making friends with colors and brushes :) onward towards visions of paintings and finding my voice. My heart is full of love for this little special thing called art. heck yes...commence to start! finally.

(as they say in hope floats)
my cup runneth over
an artist at heart
and always
-d