bare PROOF

My very first entry into my Creative Therapy adventure has proof of fruition.

Catalyst # 25: Fear

You Fear



::journaling::
could you just hold my hand
maybe just until this is over?????????
YOU FEAR
i fear this is forever…the medicine the weakness the possibility this will never END…
I hate when people stare and ask what’s wrong?
I’m afraid I have no clear answer. I fear the question.
I fear my lack of faith.

There's so much I want to say about this. But honestly. I have it all in my heart and right now it's there...praying this through. I do not fear a lot of things. My faith finds me strong and unburdened as I lift all my weight towards the One who can sustain me. Lifted and even the unspoken or unwritten, He knows. So this is my quiet petition of hope. That I might rest this fear and let it go. And I am. One day at a time. I am learning that art can be personal. Not fully revealed and obvious. I like that. I never liked explaining my work before, I'm kind of liking this in my journaling too :). So here is my first step. A new page in a new chapter and written in a new book. I will probably not share everything that goes in this but I do hope to encourage you to journal and express yourself onto your pages for you. Afterall, they are YOU. AND even if they don't end up looking anything like you had envisioned (like this page didn't quite come out like I had hoped) just turn the page and keep going. And you'll get there.

And this one...
Dreamed


I've been reflecting lately on my little hobby "photography". From buying my first SLR in college at the age of 21. Then teaching photography and darkroom techniques at a preppy high school after college. To now, the digital SLR and all the creative flow that it allows in both my work and art. I can't believe it. I used to be intimidated by the camera! I'm pleasantly surprised how far this has lead me and really wanted to have a page to remind myself. I have so much to learn but so far, this capturing moments has been insanely fun. I'm glad I never stopped.

And this is how I feel right now:


::journaling::
today was a great day to do something
something creative to make a mess
get paint on your hands sundress and sandals
music on full blast and yet nothing came
nothing remotely inspiring happened
so you sat and waited
and waited and instead
rested
it’s just what you needed
good things are worth
the wait

yep.
that's it.
resting and waiting for something.
something worth the wait
:)
-d

creative therapy anyone?

well, first off, this is for TAIF.

Second.... happy creative news...
creative therapy :)
I need it
and I am SO in love with it.
So I'm sharing a little about my creative process with you. My return to painting, drawing and inking.... I now have a catalyst to get back into the groove. (Thanks Karen!) You should check out the amazing group of artists-holy heck they rock! This is why I love my blog. I write from my little artsy fartsy heart and someone (Karen) listens and asks.... hey, you should try Creative Therapy. I'm like... yes. Yes i should. You know what? I will! And what? You want me to be on the team?! But I haven't gotten back to my style? And I don't really know what I'm doing :) And yet, I joined the group. It was fate I tell you. Meant to be. I love it.

So now more of my thoughts onto paper.

More faith

More art...

The result... total frustration + pleasant calm= new art journal phase.
Yes. I am having trouble turning the graphic art side off. You can't just blurt out... "GRAPHIC DESIGN ... OFF!" And presto chango. Umm. No. Well guess what. Since I'm not a very patient person (shocking right?) I thought that's kind of how it'd work. LAME. After 6 years teaching myself graphic design (no I have NEVER taken a "graphic design" class) I guess this requires a new method of teaching oneself how to think & create again.

PS: What I meant by never taken a graphic design class...well, I graduated from my smarty pants nerds rock school here --> UCSD with a degree in Visual Arts...what IS it?!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.....umm..... I have no idea. Yes. All throughout college that's what I told people who asked... what will you do with that?! I simply replied.. hey, it got me out of becoming a teacher like my sisters (nothing against teachers please understand...PPS: my sisters are everyone's fav teachers cuz they rock!) Everyone who KNOWS me knows I can't and could've never lasted as an elementary teacher...and frankly, I can live with that.) My question is why the heck isn't my years worth of work in the toughest class known to man AKA: Electrical engineering for Computer Science NOT ON THERE!? I have yet to understand how that is even remotely required for my major. No idea. although I do know that I got both an A and a B ;) HOTNESS. I know. Anyway, see what I mean about being a nerd? Don't make me toast you with my breadboard and transistors ;) I'm not kidding.

I found some work I did back in college and it's all a political mess. Yes. We learned to use the camera, computer and film to create art to help advocate our political & cultural views. I HATE politics. You can just image my horror. But I'm not sure if I should share the work here since I'm sure you might not agree with my view point. Not that it matters because I like you for you and not your political ideas. I mainly played devils advocate in most cases. Since I disagreed with the majority of my classmates political ideas. I am a rebel. Amen.

So yeah.
ANYWAY....sheesh (long story)

Alas. Who cares if I don't know how to unclash my work and hobby? Right? It's not like the art I make looks anything like the corporate stuff I make at work. Totally pales in comparison to the grudge spray splatter stuff I make after hours. :) I like that better. One thing I will say is that it is sad that some people just open up a design mag and copy a design just as is and think they're original. That...well, that's sad. I see it all the time. SO lame. I will continue to work it out. I'm letting loose one.day.at.a.time. For now I'm following along with Creative Therapy and I am happy.

have a lookie loo
CREATIVE THERAPY
always always learning
-d

19 days til my birthday :)

fried crispy

i wish i could say that was the state of my lunch but nope.
my brain is fried
doing what this postcard says (well, trying to ;)



I received this postcard in the mail about a month ago and I've kept it snug on my typewriter since then. Makes for a good reminder when your brain is fried LOL. I thought hey, I should share this with you sweet friends...so here is YOUR reminder...do it.

Creatively speaking, i never know who "gets" my artsy thoughts in my last post. I'm a little mixed about working as a graphic artist and then making art at home for fun. Please know I am not complaining. Nope. I see SO much graphic design that I try not to let it spill over into what I make on paper. That is one expression...I'm just trying to tap back into another one I left 6 years ago. Although my teachers always told me my work was graphic (not like in a nude way) LOL. In fact, i try not to do anything with my computer anymore at home (hence the typewriter) but don't tell my mac. He doesn't like that ;) I felt relieved in a way that I wasn't the only one dealing with the whole "art" in their lives. So sharing the little bit of advice my professor gave me was me trying to focus back to that. I hope, if you too are dealing with "refocusing", that it would've helped you. After all, we all need a little encouragement right? Yep. So thank you if you left some of that. I completely felt a little less insane. LOL.

sigh.

so here are a couple of layouts I had fun making a few weeks back for Sweet Spuds (Gina is Awesome! Thank you!) I was in a bit of a funk and felt creatively smooshed so please try to understand ;p

Here's one for art....i heart art.



One for the dreamers...yes. i love playing with puffy clouds. And if you are a dreamer...you rock!



One for the perfectionists...come on, you SO are! LOL jk. I sometimes wish I wasn't. Handsome has trouble with me because I'll be at a store or whatever and I'll tell him I don't like certain products because the fonts, colors, graphics etc.. then he starts snoring....I'm working on his listening skillz. HA! (Just kidding babe)



And one for the people with perfect feet
I really don't like you. and i hate your feet... okay. jk. but i can't stand wearing sandals when Mr.handsome is wearing his. He has the most PERFECT feet!!!! I hate them. Every time he catches me staring at them he starts showing them off. !?!!?!?!? srsly. ugh. My feet look like they got run over. The only thing I got from my mother ;) LOL jk. well. not really.



SO there ya go... something for everyone!

And I am purchasing an early birthday present me moi. A new sketchbook. I'm SO excited. I broke out with a box I packed away 6 years ago full of chalks, charcoal, pencils, india inks etc....I'm going crazy....love it

I'll look for some of my old work and post soon.
love ya
-d

26 days till my birthday :)

Commence to start!

i love this line. It's one of my favorites in Father of the Bride. My little sister and I love being dorky and repeating lame lines from movies. We love being a tad bit dramatic :) But anyway....

>

Yes. My countdown is commencing today. August 15th, 2008 you will soon become September 15th 2008. :: 31 DAYS :: Why is September 15th so important? Well, it's my birthday. i LOVE birthdays. EXCEPT I'm having a bit of trouble swallowing this one. It's NOT the age. I don't even look my age so i don't much care for that. It's the goals and the lack of accomplishments that I am so down about. I guess I thought I'd be something more. Something else. Something a bit different and someone a bit more grounded. Less fearful instead of more. More daring and lived rather than settling and cornered. I thought I'd say yes to something forever and instead I'm fighting to be grown. I'm hesitating the celebration because I am a futurist. It's all about the long term for me. Yes, someday I want kids, I want to be married but this is not even about that.

i love photography. I love film. (although I was never good at it, and excelled only as director of photography)I love computer art. I love being a graphic Artist. But I regret looking back and wondering where and why i stopped drawing.Stopped painting. stopped looking. stopped wondering. stopped searching. stopped working at being an artist....not just working as an artist.

I fought so hard to be an artist growing up. I was the only one in my family that loved to draw. But academics were always number 1. I took ONE class in 7th grade. Loved it. I took ONE semester in High School. LOVED it. i was not the best or any ones favorite. Kinda nice. no pressure. I never grew up thinking i was going to college much less becoming a graphic artist. WOW. Times have changed. Things i never planned to do I am doing now. Which is good right? "Scrapbooking" and photography is awesome. cool cool. but it's not enough.

I went to university. I went to a very competitive academic university and am very proud of this. I am a nerd. dangit i know stuff. (Except I don't check my grammar here :) I took classes on art but really only produced papers about art the entire time. I loved the few studio classes I did take and appreciate the experience it gave me. Except the mentality was...you come knowing how to be you already. There is no class on style. No basic intro to you. It was all based around you and your thoughts on war, politics, culture etc. and visually interpreting that to a public. But the moments I remember most were not the A's I got, making the Provost's honors list 5 times or even the people i met. it was the way i worked at being an artist. Since class lacked some of the knowledge I needed i referenced books in the library on artists. I wanted to know what inspired Picasso and Chagall , Mondrian and Seurat. What made them UNIQUE. They inspired me more than ever. I LOVE making stuff. But more than not, i was inspired by them to BE unique.

I painted

I drew

I inked

way before this thing called scrapbooking

and so now I'm scared. because in the past 6 years since being out of college I have not draw. I have not painted. and I have not inked. i blame me. i blame not making time. i blame not listening to me. not allowing myself the pleasure of the paint and ink and pencils while excusing it as a way to save a buck at the art store. I question if I will be able to paint again or draw or ink. That might seem stupid for some but honestly. It all takes practice. And i lost years of it. and i hope i haven't lost if forever.

but i will see and i will learn again. So scrapbooking, you need to take a backseat for a bit while i find me again. While i create from a talent that needs tendering and attention. because long before you happened you were inspired by real art. real artists and amazing people whom you respect and would and could not ever imagine replicating "scraplifting" or jacking. Because dangit. they are artist. and in the art world remember there is a thing called respect. and they SO deserve it. YOU deserve it. So be true. I need to focus and find what makes me uniquely me again. I remember a beautiful professor Faith Ringgold once told me after I hated the way my style NEVER looked like what i wanted... she said "well that's because you are uniquely you debee. you are just fighting it. embrace that part, the strokes and the way you lay paint out. those are your finger prints left for others to admire and appreciate YOU. YOU cannot be replicated. There will and has not ever been another Picasso. Another Chagall, another Gustav Klimt or even Michelangelo because they stayed true to themselves. Therefore there will never be another you. Because you are a real artist like them. Remember your hands and your heart cannot be at fault for creating in your style, you are purposed for this. you are uniquely talented, marked, divinely inspired and given the privilege of creating. So do it. Now you might see things and ideas you like, but ask yourself...is that me? and if not don't do it. but you know that. you know not to compare yourself. keep trying to find you. your voice. with your style. no more looking around or fighting the way you create. Embrace you. I love that about you. You can fly! i believe you can."

sigh...
she is amazing. at the time i didn't realize that she was blessing me. calling a beautiful purpose and hope over me. and i am thankful. I want that same resounding hope and love for many more birthdays to come. So back to the drawing board. back to the beat of the gypsy kings blaring through the ipod. back to the sketchbooks full of paint and colorful fingerprints. back to making friends with colors and brushes :) onward towards visions of paintings and finding my voice. My heart is full of love for this little special thing called art. heck yes...commence to start! finally.

(as they say in hope floats)
my cup runneth over
an artist at heart
and always
-d

crazy kinda life

Why do i seem to be rushing everywhere?
I feel like the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland
Chasing after time and never catching up...sigh.
This relaxing takes time and so does work and relationships and all that good stuff. And I'm not even married or have children! Ha! sheesh. I need to get my act together. It must be because I am approaching a specific date along with a specific countdown and it only makes me crazier! (on a personal level)

Today, I have to wrap up a bit of art that is very dear to me to mail off to the post. Who knows when I'll get it back but it just makes my heart hurt a little. I've been living with it for over a month now and it's just refreshing to love something still a month later. Crossing my fingers we are not apart for too long :)

And lately, I've been thinking about new goals. Or actually, goals I already kinda made. Yes, I hesitate to make goals. Especially when it means taking up a new hobby. I "kind of" want to learn to make cute stuff clothing wise. But that would require me to learn to sew straight lines. Like very straight. Ummm judging by the looks of my current lines, I'm thinking I have a lot of work to do. :) And I like crazy lines. Kind of reflects the state of my life right now, LOL. ugh. So "someday" maybe when I've sewed longer than 8 months I can learn to sew and use a real pattern. But for now, I just use the patterns as scrap paper. Hey, it's thrifty and cool.

Which leads me to the New Prompt over at THE ART IS FOUND



A little silly random fact about this page: the picture is held together with a little yellow velcro dot. sigh. i love it. yeah, i'm lame. i bought a pack of little velcro dots at a thrift store for a quarter and so i had to use it on something...ta-dah! If i get tired of the picture, (although i don't see that happening-it's anthro afterall :) i can just change the picture out! I kind of wanted to share that. Even though it's so silly. and lame. and silly. but yeah, i heart yellow velcro dots.

So go over there and take this challenge :)
have an awesome monday friends
-d