Hold on

Today i wanted to open up my heart in answering a question i received a few times over the course of my pregnancy and even now. A question concerning an update on my CTS, carpal tunnel syndrome and how/if it effected my pregnancy. So here it goes, first off if you want to catch up on my silly version of CTS please refer to my blog post here , yep, going old skool ;P  i still can't believe the silly things i do to entertain you all hahaaa! (enjoy) 

So back in the day i didn't work from home. i had a corner office with lots of windows, tall ceiling, beautiful space and I was the sole graphic designer & worked a 9-5 for a small company.  Everything seemed fine, until the company hired a new supervisor with some experience in design. I welcomed the change, he seemed nice enough. Not a month into him working there he started attacking me and my character. He threatened to fire me on completely false allegations. He promised to work collaboratively and took on my projects without me. I would find out later once they were printed. His method of design consisted of googling an image and copying it. And any original work i designed he would take credit for. He had heard I had just purchased Mona ( my camera for personal scrapbook projects etc). and he then decided to give me new jobs like become the photographer for the business along with my graphic design work. No extra pay. No over time. And somehow he thought my ONE web design class back in college (5 years before) was more than enough for me to also be the webmaster for the company site. Again, no extra pay, no overtime. Nothing. Photographer + webmaster + my regular graphic design work. great. 

I started feeling the stress. His negative behavior was getting to me. Mind you,  I've been working since I was 17. I've worked with lots of difficult people before. there's always one in every office. I consider myself a hard worker. I love working. but this was crazy. My CTS symptoms started. This is exactly when i knew that the crap i was dealing with at work was hurting me.  I started going to physical therapy and my therapist said that my case was stress related. Get rid of the stress and you're cured he said. Yeah you think ? easier said than done hehee.  

I remember the first day i met my jerk supervisor he himself mentioned he had a problem with his ego. he laughed. go figure. he wasn't joking. i should've quit then and there. sadly, there were others our company did business with that also didn't like how he did business. It reflected so badly on our company. it was embarrassing. People started complaining and word got back to him. He wrongly assumed it was me who made these folks unhappy. I will note this: if i have something to say about you. i will say it to your face. i have no problem with that.  I had several meetings where i did tell him the following: you are wrong. you are being mean. stop tearing me down. i work for you. with you. i'm here to help. i am a great designer, stop taking credit for it. stop assuming and ask people directly if they have a problem with you. Above all, both my doctor and my therapist are telling me to step back from my computer. Can you help me out? (And yes i was wearing both my braces at this meeting. ) You know what he said? I was catty. I was selfish. I was not a team player. With a sick smile on his face he "downsized me". how stupid of me to not see that the door was closing. that i was not meant to continue through it. my path was changing. 

I still hate that i stayed long enough for this to happen. i hate that i didn't listen to Mr.Handsome when he said to quit. i wish i had not tried so hard to change. to let this company treat me this way. my hands. my heart. my mind. my soul. ached.  i think it hurt more because i worked for a church. i expected a higher level of moral integrity. i can't believe that even though the truth was on my side that it still felt like i lost. like God had allowed this stupid man and his insecurities to do this to me? That everyone else was so worried about their jobs, nobody stood by me. or for me. little did i know my biggest loss & hurt, was also my biggest blessing.

i got fired right before i was to marry & buy a new home with the man of my dreams. perfect timing. this is when miracles happen people. i am proof of that. fast forward to now, picture above, in celebratory fashion i got dolled up to celebrate mother's day a few months back. i'm a mama now. my proudest most amazing accomplishment ever. i'm a happier mama. (No CTS. No tendinitis during my pregnancy) I'm a better version of that girl who was over worked in a dead end job working for a jerk boss. i've been so blessed. i'm the boss now. with Mr.handsome's help & lots of prayer we are proud small business owners, we live in a cute little home we do not deserve( we always thought we'd rent). as hard as it is sometimes i count it my biggest blessing to raise our amazing little r at home while i work. Once i disconnected all ties to this old company i started to see that my CTS + tendinitis was gone. I had more good days :) These hands, this heart, this soul was reassured in a glorious way that God never let me go. even if i did. even if i lost hope. My blessings started to shine through. that in my loss, i gained more than i could ever imagine. 

i  now get to share my blessing with you :) I am happy to share these photos of our small studio with cute reminders that you are lovely. you are so very lovely. A few months ago we experienced a loss with my dear friend as her mother passed away. I sat in silence at her service listening to what was being said about her  and there was a common theme. she loved. i knew it from personal experience. she truly loved you. i sat with my little guy tears pouring down and wept. death is harsh but it was so very beautiful in that moment when her loved ones were standing & sharing boldly with abandon as a testament to her love. life isn't about what job you have. how much money you make. who you know. that's pretty obvious. life is about who you love. my love has grown so much counting my blessings. I'm grateful God has bigger plans for my family. i smile and can laugh now about the time i had a jerk boss. even him i can say that i love him, from waaaaaaaaaay far. away. far, far far away. lol!!! i'm being honest! hahaaa! even though i know he will never ask for my forgiveness. i forgive him.  i want the good to rise up in me too. i want to raise up little R to be a great man with great character & a heart full of love. I know i have to forgive and love and move on. it's hard. but i'm holding onto hope. Holding onto the truth that has happened to me. that I'm lovely. that i am called to think on things that are lovely and not dwell in the negative. I've experienced the hurt it has caused me physically. At one point in time the pain got so bad that i had to get 2 shots in my back right underneath my shoulder blades of pain medicine. i don't want to go back to that. or braces & pills.

I don't live a life without stress, the mister still gives me arm massages and someday i will totally get a massage envy membership once i get over being ticklish :) i keep reminders like the die cut print above to help remind me to keep focused. to not dwell on the little things that can  rob me of joy.

write down the good in your life. hold onto that. in your heart. pray it out. love through it. Keep your head up and remember, you are so very lovely. don't let anyone tell you otherwise xoxo

love ya,

-d